So now it is Saturday morning, 9 a.m. Tara is working until 3 and is going to Jesse's family Christmas party at 4. We have a strict deadline. Laura, Jesse, and I head for the Jackson Outlets in search of a Coach bag for Tara. I also plan to come back in the near future to buy one for Laura, so I am eager to hear her boldly hinting which bag she would get if it were for her. We pull into the spacious parking lot and head for one of the many available spaces near the Coach outlet. My attention is taken by the large crowd on the sidewalk. It is a very condensed crowd, concentrated only in front of the Coach store. It appears that no one in New Jersey is shopping anywhere but the Coach store. I let Laura and Jesse off at the sidewalk to join the line as I park the car. I soon find Jesse alone because Laura has run off to another store. The woman behind us counts about a hundred shoppers in front of us. Laura returns with a purchase. We leave Jesse alone to freeze while we look in the kitchen store for the knife.
The kitchen store doesn't have the knife. We go to the food court to get breakfast. We call Jesse to find out what he wants. Laura orders herself an egg sandwich. I order an egg sandwich. I can not have it because Laura got the last egg. I get a grilled ham and cheese. We return to Jesse. He has moved up ten whole feet. I send Laura and Jesse to eat in the car. After they leave I regret not telling them to bring me my gloves first. I eat quickly and shove my hands into my pockets. They come back, and after a little more than an hour, total, we are allowed to shop. There is a huge crowd inside the store, most of which is the line to pay. I make a beeline to the shelf where Tara had picked out a purse four days ago when the store was virtually empty. They have changed the displays and it is no longer there. I am now sweating. I find it. Laura helps Jesse pick out a wristlet while I hold our places on the cashier line. Jesse joins me. Laura comes and goes. Being in this store and not shopping for multiple items is more than she can handle. She comes back with one bag and then another. She returns with THE BAG. It is chocolate brown. And it's the very last one. While she forages one more time I tell Jesse that he is to develop a shopping emergency in another store and he needs Laura's opinion. I will get everything, including THE BAG, and we can settle up later. Laura returns. "I'm buying it," she announces. I hand everything to Jesse so I can kill her with both hands. There are too many witnesses, so I grab the last chocolate brown from her and glare. "Well, you weren't going to come back here again, were you?" she asks. Just then a salesperson comes with ten more chocolate brown purses to restock the table. Just another half hour and we will be out of this accursed store.
If it weren't for the almost flat tire we would have been on our way to Freehold Mall. Instead we were looking for a gas station. Jesse filled the tires. Then we weren't sure how to get to the mall from where we were. We had a tad bit of trouble with the GPS, but we finally got there. Four stores later we found Tara's Coach shoes. They had the right style in each department store. They just didn't have size 8. Laura tried on a 7 1/2 and she figured Tara really needed the 8. (For later, it is important to note that I thought Laura would actually need a 7 1/2.) She even made it clear which shoes she liked. Our eyes were on the clock. I needed to get sneakers for BP. Laura needed to get sneakers for Billy. As we headed towards Footlocker Laura and I had a whispered discussion of what I might get Jesse.
The answer presented itself almost immediately. As Laura and I were waiting for our sneakers, Jesse just happened to be looking at a display. On the display was a pair of gloves with silicon finger tips in size X/XL. "These are really cool," he said. "You can use a phone with these gloves on. I think it's the last pair." I literally grabbed it from his hand and said that BP would really like these. Laura said she'd like a pair for Billy. At this point, I was on a quest and no one was going to stand in my way. No one. I waited at the stockroom door for the salesman. When I appeared I whispered that the young man with me might ask if there are anymore gloves in stock. "There are none," I informed the clerk. The man wisely nodded and rang up my purchase. Laura was miffed that I took the gloves she wanted for Billy. Oh well. Jesse, who was basically mugged, was a little bewildered and was still muttering something about really wanting those gloves. Good, I thought, sulk until next Saturday. But I had one less present to worry about, which at this point, was the only thing on this planet that I cared about.
On the way out of the mall we found IT. The Holy Grail of knives was locked in a display case in the back of Le Table Sur. We waited fifteen minutes for a clerk. Actually, I kidnapped a clerk earlier, but the designated Knife Lady wouldn't give him her key. She finally came and got us the knife. It seems to be store policy to hand the unpaid knife to the cashier rather than the customer. But there were quite a few people on line. She instructed us which line had the more experienced cashiers and hesitated only a moment before handing the item to me. I'm not sure if she decided I looked trustworthy or too deranged and driven to be messed with.
As we headed for home, with time to spare, I had two Coach bags, Tara's Coach shoes, a ceramic knife, the sneakers, the ill-gotten gloves, and clear knowledge of which sneakers Tara should get for Laura. I was relatively happy.
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